We're sitting in our little 10x10 room on the roof of the casa we're living in in Antigua after eating another now familiar Guatemala meal of beans, plantains and bread. We're finishing our third week of Spanish school (I passed Level A!! Yea!) and are looking forward to getting back to the Capital city to stock up on hugs on Friday and aturday before heading back here on Sunday for two weeks of studying before the mission team from Delray Beach arrives.
Well, I've decided to share with you the journey of faith...or, perhaps more appropriately, that of little faith, that I've been on since coming to this third world country. I have to tell you that these have been three of the most difficult weeks in my life. Most days are just fine, but there are some days that absolutely knock me off my fet. Not only has God shoved me out of my box, but my box has been shredded and at times, I feel like I've been shredded, too. I'm mourning the loss of anything familiar and for family and friends and for, well...comfort. Taking the icky showers standing in 2 inches of someone else's water and carrying your stuff to the bathroom and living with two of us in a tiny room with nowhere to sit but on the bed (good thing I love the guy!) got old mighty quick. I did dorm life over 30 years ago, thank you very much!!! When I was on mission trips I could mark off the days left of the icky, noisy, don't flush the toilet paper, polluted environment, but now this needs to become my normal! Not to mention the fact that we stink!!! I've become an Israelite for heaven's sake!!! Some days I completely forget about the hundreds of blessings I continue to receive every single day and stupidly focus on how physically yucky this place is and how miserable I am!!!!! Cual es mi problema?!?!?!?!?!?!?! No one is more surprised by my reaction to all of this than I am. How clearly we know that God called us here. Bring it on!!! We'll go anywhere, do anything You want us to, Lord!!! But does it have to be so yucky???
Okay, so let's run down the names of the songs on my favorites playlist...
All I Need (is You)
All I Want (is You)
All I Want to Do (is Give My Life to You)
All That Matters (is You)
Any Road, Any Cost...
And that's just the "A's"!!!!!!!! I've been singing these songs for months and foolish me, thought I was so committed and so surrendered and so I'll do anything for You, Lord. My faith is so small and weak sometimes, it scares me. This move to Guatemala has stripped me of everything I thought I was and anything I thought I could do. And I've discovered just how much of the world I still cling to for comfort. I am completely and totally worthless in my own strength. I'm sorry, Lord. You're breaking up...I can't hear what You just said...the connection's not so clear anymore...
But then the passage comes to my mind that says "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." Ah, so that's why You've shredded my box...You want me to be stripped of everything but YOU. Your grace is sufficient for me...for Your strength is made perfect in my weakness... Oh, that I could remember that through these difficult days. I need to know that I truly don't need anything else but YOU. And even when everything comfortable and familiar is tken away, You are there and You haven't changed and You will give me the strength to face the unknown and the known...especially the yucky stuff!!
I am humbled to know of our Savior's unconditional love and that no matter how foolish I am in my doubtings and selfishness, He will never leave me or forsake me. I don't think this battle is over yet, but I do know where my strength will come from. Please pray that my heart will be filled with and focused on Christ and only Him...and that I will be a reflection of His love to all who ee and hear me. Pray that our time in Guatemala City this weekend will be one of refocusing and reconecting with the people we love and that we will be filled with renewed energy to serve our never-changing Lord and Savior.
We love you all and wish you God's richest blessings! Your emails and comments on the blog are like oreos in my milk!!! (now that's definitely on my "what I'll eat first when we get back" list!!!)
Humbly serving,
Ginny
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